"I have to speculate
That God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces."
-iron and wine, 'such great heights'
I'm hesitant to quote songs. But I really liked that line, and it fits into my recent thoughts on relationships and people. I've been disappointed lately in how things have worked out in certain relationships in my life, and that always leads to thoughts on regret of the past. I think a lot of people I have known, and the could have beens and might have beens there. And once I contemplate I see again that I was meant to be with Jaime. Every turn of my life she provides me with energy and perspective that I need, that other people in my life would have been (or have been) unable or unwilling to provide.
I wonder how many people also had this corresponding shape, and they didn't understand it until it was too late. Or never understood it. Not that I think I made some great leap; it was luck and fate as well as work. But it was work too, to know myself better, to listen to my heart and make a good choice. Good choices, really, because we choose it every day.
I wonder how differently my life would be if I hadn't chosen this path. I think I would be, as J often puts it, cold and hungry. I'd certainly not be the father and husband I am today. I see myself living under a bridge. Not a good thing; I'm scruffy enough WITH indoor plumbing.
Then again, I don't feel like I could be anywhere else. This is who I am, where I need to be.
I'm not sure where I'll be in ten years; I haven't really set up my life to be anywhere. I've spent a lot of energy being me, building my relationship with j, my friendships. I'm glad I did, it has served me well. I like who I am, which is what I wanted to be able to say years ago when I thought of my future self. I was in a position as a young man to see very little material gain, and I am thankful for that. It shaped my goals.
Seeing people who are desperate to look good, or have financial security, I understand again why I never sought those things. I'm content with the choices I have made, something I wished for myself when I was still a teenager in West-By-God.
I sought J, I sought my family, and I found them.