Action Ryan! With Kung Fu Grip!

I have a few jobs that I would love, if myself, or the world, where slightly different. These are jobs that I have no way of doing, basically, but have some level of fantasy about performing. Some, like the police/military ones, I couldn't do because I can't imagine supporting the government or institution to which they are attached. Some, like the musical ones, I just don't have the talent or youth or experience necessary. In no particular order, these are:

1. Parody songwriter. Like Weird Al. I like comedy, and I like songs. This would be fun. And less pretentious than:

2. Country music legend. I want Willie Nelson to bring me out on stage to riotous applause. He won't, of course. But it would be awesome.

3. Bodyguard. Not totally out there, I guess. I've always had a fantasy about protecting people. I'm kind of lazy and forgetful, though, so that could end badly. I'd better stick to kids. They don't need me to carry a gun.

4. Hip hop artist. Yeah, this is really not going to happen. But I would love to have Kanye West bring me out to loud cheers and booty clappin.

5. Secret Service agent. This is my most realistic one, for a few reasons. I could imagine actually joining the Treasury department, for one. They don'y do too many objectionable things, and they get to protect someone. It fits into my bodyguard fantasy, too, and for the same reasons it probably isn't a good idea for the president to count on me. Especially Mr. Obama, he seems cool. He deserves better. Call me when Jeb Bush gets elected.

6. Butler. This is weird, I admit. I don't know what else to say.

7. Hermit monk. Gotta be the hermit kind. I don't want people bugging me about enlightenment.

8. Starship captain. The least possible, obviously. But if we build a super advanced starship in the next few years, I might give it a try. I've got my "Lock photon torpedos and fire at will" voice down pretty well.